Honouring the departed: do you know the right etiquette for a memorial service?

People celebrate a life in a variety of ways, and it can be confusing to know what to wear, what to say to the bereaved family, and how to conduct oneself at a service or wake. Simon and Rebecca Welham – the father and daughter team behind Welham Jones Funerals and Memorials – have some advice on general etiquette that will help you set the right tone.

Who can attend a funeral?

A funeral service is open to anyone, unless the family specifies that it is to be a private ceremony. Usually, a funeral notice is publicly shared in an obituary or on social media, so those who wish to pay their respects can attend.

What to wear to a funeral

Dress respectfully and conservatively, unless dressing for a particular cultural tradition or religion or faith. Traditionally, this means dark, neutral colours such as black, navy, or dark grey. It also means choosing modest clothing like suits, dresses, or trousers with a blouse and smart shoes. Avoid casual dress like jeans, clothing with slogans, and trainers.

Should I wear all black to a funeral?

While black – representing the sadness of bereavement – is a traditional colour for funerals in the UK, it is not mandatory. Dark, neutral colours like navy or dark grey are also appropriate.

What does ‘no black’ at a funeral mean?

When a funeral notice specifies ‘no black’, it indicates that the family prefers those attending to wear colours other than black. You can opt for other dark or muted colours, or if asked to wear a specific colour or pattern, follow the family’s wishes.

Who goes with the funeral procession?

Conventionally in a funeral procession, immediate family follow the hearse in a funeral car, often a limousine. Other family members and close friends form a cortege in their own vehicles.

Who goes in first at a funeral service?

This varies, depending upon tradition and where the service is being held. In a church, the officiant or celebrant typically enters first, and guests usually take their seats before the family do. However, at crematoriums, immediate family lead the procession and other family members and friends follow to take their seats afterwards. Then the pallbearers carrying the coffin enter before the service starts.

Where do I sit at a funeral?

At a funeral, family members sit at the front and to the right side in the service venue, with friends and other mourners on the left side. There is not usually a seating plan.

What happens at the end of a funeral service?

Usually, at the end of a funeral service, the officiant or celebrant offers some closing words or a benediction and will leave the venue.

For a burial, the pallbearers will then carry the coffin out to the grave, followed by the family and then the congregation.

At a cremation, the curtain is either closed around the coffin or it is left on view for mourners to pay their last respects, and the congregation waits until the family files out after the celebrant.

What happens after the service?

People may stay behind to offer their condolences to the family or to support one another. The attendees may be invited to the burial or cremation site for the committal service. Or they may be asked to join the family at a wake – for some refreshments at a local venue or a relative’s home.

What to say to the family

It’s good etiquette to express your sympathies to the grieving family. If you don’t know them well, introduce yourself and explain your relationship to the person who has died, and share a few kind words.

Is it appropriate to send flowers to a funeral?

Sending flowers is a traditional way to express condolences. However, it is essential to consider any cultural or religious factors. Some families request an alternative, such as donations to a charity.

How much should I donate?

Requesting money in lieu of flowers for a chosen charity is accepted as part of modern UK funeral etiquette. There is no set amount to give in someone’s memory, so pay your respects with whatever amount feels right. If you donate online, you can opt to not show the amount you have given.

Can I take photos at a funeral?

It is not usual to take photos or videos at a funeral. But the deceased’s family may decide to record the event this way.

Are children allowed at the funeral or memorial service?

Attending the funeral can help children process their grief, and they should be welcomed unless the notice specifically mentions that they should not attend. But do consider that very young children may struggle to sit through a long service.

With these etiquette points in mind, you can focus on supporting the close family and remembering your deceased friend or relative in a meaningful way.

Support at an emotional time

01732 742400

sevenoaks@welhamjones.co.uk

www.welhamjones.co.uk

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